When the Leaf announced last Sunday that his landlord was selling up and he’d probably need to move in six months’ time, I made the stupid mistake of ‘jokingly’ suggesting we might be ready to get a place together by then.
The subject has been brought up in the past (by me of course, usually while looking round department stores and fantasising about what towels we’d have in our bathroom), but is almost always forgotten by the next day.
The Leaf has always been quite careful with his phrasing, probably worried if he says too much he’ll find himself in a scene from How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. “If we move in together,” he might say. Whereas I, on the other hand, am quick to play down any suggestion of us sharing a home: “Oh, you’ll live in a bachelor pad forever,” I’ll reply, secretly happy he’s mentioned it – even if it was an ‘if’.
But Sunday was different.
“Yeah, maybe we will,” he replied.
Maybe we will? No nervous laugh, or even a “we’ll see” (which of course means we blatantly won’t). I began to wonder if he was seriously considering it.
A conversation about wine glasses later and I’d talked myself into the notion of us possibly having a place together half a year down the line.
By Monday I’d gone one step further and had managed to convince myself that he was the one who brought up us potentially moving in together (don’t ask…my mind is very complex – and not in a good way).
But then I started thinking. Do I actually want this, or is a more of a case that I want him to want it to make me feel wanted? (See what I mean about complex…)
Before long I began feeling under pressure and not sure I wanted any of it. Six months really isn’t that long away after all and I’m only 24, for God’s sake.
Maybe I’ll speak him about it when I see him at the weekend, I thought. But no, I couldn’t hold it in and instead decided to have a chat about it before bed last night.
(Note: talking to a loved one just before bed about something relatively serious that could make you feel like sh*t isn’t a good idea).
Half and hour later I’d been left feeling pretty rubbish about everything… Ok, it wasn’t all bad – but being the “half cup empty” kind of person that I am, I latched on to a few things he said which could be viewed in a negative light: “It was you who brought it up” (of course it was…God, now I feel stupid), “we haven’t been together that long” (when talking about it being quite soon for us to move in together now or in six months).
I ended the conversation feeling that our relationship was totally insignificant considering we “hadn’t been together that long” and started wondering what this meant in the terms of us and our future.
A day later, I’m still feeling a bit dubious about it all. The stupid thing is that I’m not even 100% about moving in together now or six months away, but knowing that he isn’t that keen makes me feel very unwanted.
He’s right though – we haven’t been together that long and I wouldn’t want to rush things only for it to fall apart once we’re there.
That said, I can’t help but bring it back to the question of whether or not he wants the kind of relationship that I do. But now I’m even questioning what that is…
Oh, the woes that come with being as complicated as I am.
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