Somebody once told me you never really get over a lost love, you just forget.

It has almost been six months since I lost the person who I thought was the love of my life. They say going through lots of different emotions is a sign that you are moving on – and I’ve certainly experienced my fair share of them. I’ve cried, felt depressed, been desperate, frustrated, angry, full of regret – you name it, I’ve felt it!

But more than five months on, I thought I would at least be able to say “C’est la vie! We had good times, but it wasn’t meant to be,” but the truth is, I am still struggling. I wish I could say I’m over it, but sadly I’m not. I still think about him every day and I occasionally cry about what’s happened on days that I’m a bit hungover/tired/generally feeling a bit shit (today being one of them). Thankfully, I’m past the point where the reality of it hits me; I accept that it’s over and that the life I had is in the past, but I won’t pretend it doesn’t sadden me anymore – because it really does.

I find it hard to have conversations with people without a funny or happy memory about him popping up. I still laugh over things he said or we did together – he made me laugh like I don’t think anyone else could and brought so much happiness into my life for such a long time… Unfortunately, the other side of the coin is that he brought so much sadness into my life, too, and by the end of it, neither of us could take it anymore.

Well, today is a bad day and I know I have to accept that and carry on because, really, there is no alternative…and secondly, tomorrow is another day and I know it’ll get better in time.

“I thought you said you would only cry for three days?”

I couldn’t help but laugh when my seven-year-old brother asked me this when I sat in our front room, attempting to eat my cereal through sobs, three days after the Leaf and I had split up.

When it happened days before, he’d asked me how long I’d be upset for and when I replied ‘just a few days’, he’d taken it literally and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t as right as rain now, as I’d promised. (What saddened me was that he must have been counting down the days…)

I think when I said it to him, I thought I would be okay. Or that I’d at least be able to wake up without crying. But it has taken longer than I expected.

Five weeks on, I feel like I have turned a corner (I said that to someone just two weeks after the split, but this time I feel like I’m being a bit more truthful with myself, rather than just wishful thinking).

Admittedly I still have moments when the sadness of the situation overwhelms me. Just yesterday I broke down after stumbling across some pictures of us while I was looking for something on my computer. But these occasions are becoming far and few in between, and that shows me that every day I am getting a little bit stronger.

I am sure there are still hard times ahead. Valentine’s Day will be a treat, I’m sure, and of course there’s going to be that awful moment when I realise he’s truly moved on with his life and has a new love interest. But, for now at least, I feel like I’ve already overcome some hurdles and I’m confident in the fact that I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

A New Year, a Broken Heart…

The last four days have been the hardest I’ve experienced in a very, very long time as sadly, after four years together, my lovely boyfriend called time on our relationship. It had been a long time coming, and it certainly wasn’t the first time the topic had cropped up. But rather than trying to talk him round (as I have done so too many times in the past), I somehow found it in me to accept what he was saying.

The New Year is the time to promise yourself you’ll make resolutions (and stick to them!) and although right now all I can think about is my heartbreak over the loss of such an important person in my life, I know that a lot of our problems were down to the fact that I didn’t really feel like I had a life of my own, and in the process I ended up feeling like he was all I had. So now it is all on me to sort that out…it’s scary, yet strangely liberating despite the intense sadness I’m feeling every day.

In the build up to Christmas, I had already thought of a few New Year’s resolutions… Find a hobby (I chose to start knitting and have enlisted the help of my nan for this!); get help with my negative thinking (I’m due to start a meditative CBT class in a week); and generally to live more for myself.

I’ve had to undergo a lot of changes over the last couple of days: moving back home to my mum’s for starters, and trying to accept that the man in my life and I are no more. It’s so hard when you love somebody to let them go and admittedly there is a huge part of me that is hoping and praying I’ll be able to sort myself out and get to a place where he and I can make a go of it again. Deep down I think I am just kidding myself, but I guess we all need hope.

So here’s to a happier Laura in 2014. Last year was very hard for me and I’m hoping that the changes I’ll make this year will be some of the best decisions I’ll have ever made.

Image credit: Nevit

Abandon hope and security? It’s not exactly what I had in mind…

Imagine if someone told you that the secret to living a fulfilling and meaningful life is to abandon hope? That all of those self-help books showing you how to achieve ultimate happiness were a con, and that living a fulfilling and meaningful life comes from experiencing all that life throws at us – be it sadness or exhilaration?

To begin with, I found the concept hard to swallow too. But when you think about it, it all makes sense.

In ‘The Happiness Trap’, Dr Russ Harris talks about how convincing ourselves we’d be happier if we were a better person, or were to find a better mate or job, sets us up to feel like a failure because we’ll never met our extremely high expectations. The likelihood is when we get our ‘dream job’, we’ll be disappointed and will swiftly move onto the next thing that can make us ‘happy’. This is the happiness trap.

I can really relate to this and can recall thinking to myself on many occasions ‘if only I could get a better job, everything would be great’, as if having a better job would change everything.

Similarly in ‘When Things Fall Apart’, author Pema Chodron tells readers to abandon hope. ‘No!’ I hear you cry. Well, think about it. Why not? Of course there’s nothing wrong with having aspirations, but why not focus on the moment we’re living in (which is real)?

One thing I have struggled with in Chodron’s book, though, is the notion that security doesn’t exist. For me, security is the be all and end all; I want to be with someone I feel secure with and I want to know where I’m going in life.

But recently I’ve learnt how quickly things can change – and how that security I thought I had actually wasn’t security at all. I suppose what it’s taught me is that feeling secure has to come from within. Otherwise, your world can be turned upside down when you realise the person – or the things – that made you feel secure is no longer there.

What do you think?

True happiness in life and relationships starts with acceptance

Four years ago today I remember being back home in Colchester, having an evening out with my sisters, and calling the guy I was dating and saying, ‘Ok, I think I’m ready to be your girlfriend’. He was on a night out himself and drunk (no surprise there!) so has admitted that he doesn’t even remember the conversation, but that’s how August 14, 2009 became the day that the Leaf and I made things ‘official’.

Although we met on June 7 that year and had our first date a few weeks later, I remember being cautious about jumping into a new relationship, as my previous one had only ended two months earlier (messily, may I add).

So for about eight weeks or so we decided to keep things cool, although from our third date in we were doing the stuff that couples would do. I suppose I just didn’t want to ‘label’ it back then, which is surprising considering how much I love commitment these days!

Four years on, we’re still together…just about. You see, the last year hasn’t been easy. Although this time a year ago I was working for a local newspaper doing what I had thought would be my dream job, I soon realised it wasn’t – and quickly became miserable.

Being a journalist has been something I’ve had my heart set on since I was about 18 so the realisation that that particular type of journalism (the only one I felt I could get into given the competitive nature of the profession) wasn’t for me was very hard to handle. Whereas for some people a job is a job, becoming a journalist had been my goal for eight years – and then, suddenly, I doubted my career choice, losing some of my identity with it.

This inevitably impacted on my relationship and as a result, things haven’t been a walk in the park. I feel like I’ve been sucked into a black hole since all of this happened and I’m only just starting to crawl out. The Leaf, unlike myself, isn’t easily fazed by situations so it isn’t easy for him to understand why I react the way I do – angry, frustrated, numb. The problem is, most of the time these emotions are directed at him, which is unfair. But how do you get over something that meant so much to you?

My first step on the road to recovery has been to start seeing a counsellor. Each week I go to see her, I come away feeling so much lighter, as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But while speaking to someone completely removed from my situation has helped me move on from my feelings of sadness, it has put me more in touch with my emotions. (Imagine feeling sad but trying to ‘get on with things’, so repressing those emotions, then all of a sudden someone wants to hear about all of those emotions… ’Getting on with things’ isn’t so easy afterwards.) So there have been days that I have been engulfed with sadness and have had a cry, but at the same time I am starting to get more in touch with my feelings, understand them – and cope with them.

What I’ve learnt from this experience so far is that trying to control emotions is not a good idea. If you don’t let yourself feel the way you are feeling, you’re more likely to cause more problems in the long run. My counsellor has just recommended me a book, in line with this theme, called The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris, which I started reading this morning. Rather than following the approach adopted by most self-help books, The Happiness Trap is revolutionary in that it helps you cope with feelings of sadness, anxiety, etc. and focuses on the premise that happiness is not about feeling good – it’s about living a fulfilling and meaningful life, which means experiencing all of the emotions that come with it.

So while the last year of my life hasn’t been easy, I feel that I am now on the road to finding happiness. I hope a time will come that I can look back on this period of my life and think ‘thank God that’s over’, but first, it is about acceptance.

The key to happiness: keep it simple

For those of you who know me, you’ll be pretty sure about one thing: my life is not simple.

For as long as I can remember, my life has been full of drama. If there ever was a falling out at school, you can bet I would be at the centre of it.

When I was around 16 or 17, I got my first boyfriend and a whole new kind of drama entered my life.

While at the time I never enjoyed arguing, I did enjoy the moments that I could discuss it with friends over coffee. “I’m in a bit of a pickle,” was one of my most commonly used lines, usually because I’d got myself into a situation I could have easily avoided.

But when I was in my early 20s, I experienced drama like none other. Drama that brought me tears, killed my confidence and took me about three years to get over.

After that was done and dusted, I met a man who was more chilled and laid back than I could have ever wished for (the answer to my drama-less life – or so I thought).

But four years on, the dramas are still happening, and as a 26-year-old trying to enjoy life, it is not enjoyable at all.

It is all about controlling emotions, I suppose, but one of the downsides of being a ‘drama queen’ is the inability to create anything but bad situations – or at least that is how I feel at times.

I truly want to live a simpler life because, really, who in their right mind would want to suffer needlessly?

So that is why, some weeks ago now, I decided to start reading The Art of Happiness by HH Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler.

A collection of Cutler’s conversations with the Dalai Lama, the book helps readers to live a simpler life free from suffering – but to do this you must be a compassionate person, who recognises that no human being should suffer.

It’s not a quick fix – the Dalai Lama has been training his mind in this way since he was just four years old.

But by letting go of the small things in my life, which more often than not turn into dramas, I hope I can live a calmer, more peaceful life than I have been.

Realising life is what you make of it.

Copyright of University of South California

***caution: this post is a bit “deep”!!***

I often think back to a conversation me and my friend had in a café near Blackfriars when we compared notes on our life plan. It went something like this (we were 23 at the time):

1. Work on our careers (I had planned to ‘make it’ as journalist by 25…)
2. Marriage proposal at 26
3. Get married at 28 and buy a house
4. Start thinking about kids at around 30

We laughed when we realised our plans were exactly the same, and then even more so when we realised the man on the table next to ours had been eavesdropping our conversation and was staring us in disbelief. “Do the guys know about this?” he asked us.

The guys in question are the same ones we’re still with today, three years on. And about four months ago, my friend’s boyfriend proposed! I almost cried when she told me, I was so happy for her.

Soon after one of the Leaf’s close friends proposed to his girlfriend, and on Facebook it seemed as if engagements were being announced all over the place.

And then something strange happened. I started wondering whether I wanted to get married! (I don’t, by the way. Well, I’m not fussed about it right now).

I guess the thing I really like about the idea of getting married is the commitment, and the fact that someone loves you so much that they would be willing to commit to you like that. If we’re going to start analysing why I feel like this, I suppose it does come down to my insecurities and the need I have to feel wanted by somebody. And really, it is silly to want to get married simply because of that!

I think what also comes into is the feeling that people are further ahead than me. I also know that must sound ridiculous when it comes to relationships but I’ve never liked feeling like I am falling behind – much more so when it comes to careers though.

So thankfully I’m past wondering if marriage is for me as for a moment there I started seriously wondering if the Leaf and I were on the same page (I wouldn’t say he’s against marriage, but he’s certainly not pro-marriage!)

I guess a lot of people start questioning things in their life when it seems like everything is going hunky-dory for everyone else, but we have to be realistic about these things. I mean, would you really want your life to be exactly the same as everyone else’s, or would you prefer to do things your way?

And as I’ve got older (a line I never thought I’d come out with!), I’ve come to realise that comparing your life with other people’s can be a very dangerous game, because – let’s face it, there’s always someone who has got a better life than you. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of direction in your life, but sometimes making plans can lead to unnecessary disappointment.

I mean, say if I had ‘made it’ as a journalist aged 25 – but then when I got there it was my worst nightmare. If I stuck to my ‘plan’, I’d have to stick it out regardless, right?

Well, at 25 I did get my big break in journalism when I went to work for a regional newspaper as a trainee reporter. But once I was there I realised it wasn’t the kind of journalism I wanted to do. I stuck it out for six months and then I decided being happy was more important than my CV. So in some ways I am thankful my plan has gone a bit pear-shaped.

While I fully admit I do have my down days, like most people I guess, I think the key to feeling happier about myself is all about being rational and keeping things in perspective.

Ok, so I’ve had a rubbish day at work – and it’s only Monday. Surely it can only get better? I want to buy a house but I’m about £20k off having a deposit… For every £1 I save for my summer holiday, I should save the same for my new home. I feel like I’m miles away from getting that feature writer job I so badly want. Be patient, write when you can – good things come to those who wait.

I just think I have to remember that life really is what you make of it, and ticking off boxes from my life plan won’t necessarily make me any happier.

There’s more to life than finding that dream job

Regrets. You’re not supposed to have them, are you?

Well, some days I personally find it hard to not wonder what life might be like now if I had made a different decision. But while I’m not the kind of person who can hold my head high and say ‘everything happens for a reason’, I also know there is no point in dwelling on what could be, because you end up being your own worst enemy.

Like most people, though, I do struggle at times. I especially find it hard to not regret some of my career choices.

About a year ago I was on track to becoming a journalist and while I did have days when I felt like giving up and staying in a job which bored me to tears, I was very determined to stick with it and fulfil my dream.

When I was finally offered an opportunity to be a reporter at a local paper, it was the best thing ever. But not long into the job, I started questioning if this was what I wanted after all. It turned out that my ‘dream job’ was, in fact, a total nightmare. The long hours I could cope with, and I knew the criticism was just part of it all. But, for me, the atmosphere was horrible. I dreaded going to work and there were more than a few times when I cried in the toilets once I was there.

Soon, I found myself thinking that I had made a huge mistake leaving my old job for this. I missed having no financial worries and feeling respected and appreciated by my colleagues. If I worked half an hour longer than I had to, my then manager would come over and tell me to not work too late. He knew how hard I worked, and when I left after three and a half years with the company he told that if I ever needed a job, there was always one there for me.

So eight months after I embarked on what was supposed to be the job I would be in for life, I’m going back to the job I once thought I hated. I can’t say I’m over the moon about returning but if all of this has taught me anything it’s that there really is more to life than finding that dream job. When you consider that the average person will spend 30% of their life working, I know that I would much rather work with nice people and feeling like I am valued as a colleague, rather than working all hours God sends in a job that sounds exciting, only to feel unappreciated and unhappy.

That’s not to say I am giving up a journalism. The bottom line is, I love writing, and I do hope that one day I get the opportunity to write full-time for a living and find a job that ticks all my boxes. For now, I plan to freelance in my spare time and enjoy being back in London.

Marriage and babies!

About a year and a half ago one of my close friends from school dropped a bombshell: she was pregnant. I, literally, couldn’t take the news in and I walked around in shock for a few days before actually starting to realise that six months down the line, she was going to a mum.

To begin with, and this is completely selfish I know, I felt pretty sad. I felt like I was losing my friend. What could we possibly have in common anymore? Our crazy nights on the town were a distant memory, for starters, and I’m not crazy about kids. But once I moved on from being selfish, I realised how amazing this was: she was going to be bringing a little life into the world, and I was going to be its auntie (kind of!) The baby wasn’t planned, and I really admired my friend for her courage. I’m not sure what I would have done in her position.

Her little boy, Theo, turned one last month and my friend absolutely adores being a mum. So much so that baby number two is on his or her way!

Back in college, I never expected her to be one of first out of our group of four to settle down first. The person I did expect to settle down first is married with a child and that happened about two years ago now, I think.

Well, a fortnight ago another close friend from school told me some news…her boyfriend of four years proposed! About six months ago she told me she’d love to get married so I knew it was on the cards, but it also came as a surprise. A lovely surprise, may I add! So lovely that it actually reduced me to tears. I know that her and her fiancee are just perfect for each other, and I can’t wait for the wedding. No doubt there will be a lot of tears when that day comes around!

It’s also scary to think that, by then, I might have some news of my own. (Don’t worry boyfriend, we’re talking at least a year and a half, and hey, my ‘news’ might be something completely unrelated to marriage and babies. Might.)

Jobhunting, and the realisation that you can’t plan your life

If someone would have told me six months ago that what I thought was my ‘dream job’ would in fact turn out like this, I wouldn’t have believed them for a second.

As of October 8, I officially became a kept woman. On the surface it all seems fine, you know, not having a job – the thing that you’ve actually secretly dreamt of for years (‘oh, wouldn’t it be lovely to sit on your arse all day with f*** all to do but eat chocolate). Well, people, I have some news for you: it isn’t good, not for me anyway.

If anything has come of this situation it is the realisation that I don’t do sitting around. I do do eating chocolate but there’s only so much you can have really before the feelings of guilt sink in at the sight of that empty wrapper of Galaxy, and you feel completely sick.

I feel like a student with no essays to write, or a mother with no children to care for… Oh, I’ve just thought of one more! A postman with no letters to post. Haha, yeah that one is awful, but you catch my drift.

So, here’s what happened. Back in March I was offered a job I had been trying to get for the last year and it felt great. But at some point in the six months that I worked my arse off, often for 12 hours a day and then for another couple of hours when I got home that evening, I figured out that I was pretending to be someone I’m not.

I’m not the kind of person who can get excited about hearing someone has just died in a car crash, then want to track down their family and knock on their front door, and ask “how are you feeling?” Or happily search on Facebook using terms such as ‘RIP’ or ‘died’, etc., to try and find a story. It’s not me…it’s just a little bit grim really.

There were times, however, that I really loved what I was doing. I was writing everyday and it was an amazing feeling, especially when my copy didn’t get ripped to shreds. And one time I interviewed the lead singer of  Toploader and spoke to Matt Cardle’s mum!

But by the time my six-month contract was up, I had come to the realisation that this wasn’t for me, no matter how much I thought I had wanted it a year earlier. What I did know, though, was that I was one step closer to finding my niche: feature writing.

So now I’m back in London and doing all I can to forge a freelance career for myself. I have to say, unemployment aside, I feel so much better. I’ve actually got time to take a lunch break these days. Me and the Leaf are living together again, and I’m cooking Nigella-esque dinners every night.

It’s funny though because in March I forged a plan for myself, and now that couldn’t be further from what I want to do. So from now on my only plan is the scrap the plan. Who needs them anyway?